Once I found out I was pregnant with twins, all I wanted to do was connect and speak to as many twin moms as I could possibly find. I buried myself in blog posts and articles from twin moms and their experiences. It was as if I didn’t believe I could do it unless I had enough research and evidence that other moms all over the world do it too.
My journey to motherhood was not easy and after 3 years of not being able to fall pregnant and our IVF journey, I do not take my role as a mom lightly.
What I realised, and this was only when I was holding my two beautiful baby girls in my arms, is that no research, no articles, and no conversations with anyone could have prepared me for this. It is only now as a mom I know that each of our experiences is so unique and so different for each of us.
Being a mom to twins is the most incredible and beautiful experience, it’s something I believe I was always destined to be. Being able to witness such a unique and powerful bond like that of twins is an honour. Every new milestone they reach and overcome is better than the previous and the most powerful lesson for me is that they may be twins, but they couldn’t be more different, more unique and more themselves. It is 100% double the love, double the cuddles and double the joy.
It is also double the chaos double the drama, and double the tears. It makes me heartsore, but the first year of their lives is a blur. It is all just vague snippets that I can’t really glue together. I always told myself that I was taking it all in, but I was just overwhelmed and exhausted. It was a lonely experience, and even alienating at times, which may seem strange when I had people around to help me. I just felt I was always being challenged by people, who would say it wasn’t any harder than having one child, I needed to get out of the house and that my lifestyle shouldn’t change just because I had twins.
My greatest fear has always been and still is, how do I give 100% of myself to each of my girls at each of the moments they need me most, which in many cases is the same time and for similar feelings and needs. This is something 3 years down the line I am still trying to overcome, because I know I am being the best mom I know how to be to my girls.
What does make this harder for me, is being a working mom. Leading a full, high-pressured career in the events industry amidst finding myself in all my roles as mom, wife, caretaker, nurse, career woman etc. Even though I worked right through my pregnancy, and a lot of my maternity leave, the hardest part for me was leaving my girls for the first time in the care of people other than myself to go back to the office.
I had always imagined myself being home with my girls the way my mom had done for me. That may not be what I am able to do with my girls now or even in the future, however, what it has given me is the opportunity to show my girls how strong, how independent and how courageous they can be.
Leaving them initially, was the hardest part of my day. I have always explained to them that mommy loves them so much, and even though I need to leave to go to work each day, I would be back later and would think about them each moment we were apart. I watched them play the other day and this is how the scenario played out. Gisela was the mommy and said to Alaia, “Baby, mom’s going to work but don’t be sad ‘cos mommy will be back later.” They hear me.
Being a twin mom is the hardest thing I have ever done and continue to do each day. It is also the most beautiful experience of my life, and I cannot wait to experience all there is to come.