Most parents take care to teach their children not to talk to strangers. But parenting coach Mia Von Scha says it’s more important to empower children with five essential skills that won’t leave them feeling like victims.
We all know that we need to teach our kids about stranger danger to keep them safe. But what if doing this actually puts them more at risk by making them afraid?
When we teach children stranger danger we are teaching them to act like victims. Mia suggests rather that we empower our children with life skills that are not appealing to predators.
Instead of filling our children with fear, let us rather teach them to:
Carry themselves with confidence
How does your child feel about herself? We teach confidence by allowing children to do things for themselves, by giving them independence, by describing their achievements without praising them, by acknowledging their struggles without jumping in to do things for them, by allowing children to make choices.
Ensure that your child gets her daily dose of love and attention – hugs, kisses, kind words, time together. A child whose needs are not being met is much more vulnerable.
Have body integrity
Children need to know that their body is theirs and nobody gets to do anything to it without their consent. As parents we need to step back sometimes and see how often we give them the opposite message – insisting on washing them, brushing their hair, forcibly dressing them, insisting that they hug/kiss relatives. We have to start respecting our child’s right to refuse these things.
It’s a hard pill to swallow as a parent and it isn’t always easy to trust that they will not grow up filthy with a permanent bird’s nest and no manners. Body integrity has to start at home, and if we don’t respect this we are already priming them for other people disrespecting their bodies.
Trust their instincts
Our brains receive so much more information on an unconscious level than we ever become aware of consciously. We’ve all had those moments when we feel that something is not right and it turns out to be so. We can’t explain how we knew, we just did.
That is the power of responding to subtle cues from the unconscious mind. We need to teach our children to tune into this wisdom and to trust it. We do this by listening to them when they say they don’t feel like doing something, or respecting them when they don’t want to be around a particular person, or even allowing them choice in what they eat (and knowing that their inner wisdom knows better than you what is good for them on this particular day).
Voice their opinion
Children need to know that ‘no’ means ‘no’ and the only way to learn this is if we allow them to say it and respect them when they do.
If you ask your child to share their toys or eat their dinner or give you a lick of their ice cream and they say ‘no’, then it means ‘no’. Children need to know that their voice is as important and as relevant and as respected as any adult’s voice.
They learn this by being given the opportunity to talk, being included in family decisions, and being really listened to when they have a problem or want to share something. It is very challenging raising a strong-willed child, but that trait that we dislike so much is the very trait that might save their lives one day.
Know what to do in an emergency
Rather than teaching stranger danger, focus on strategies for what to do in certain situations. For example, what do you do if you lose your mom in the shopping centre? My strategy with my kids was that they should find a woman with a baby or child and ask for help.
What do you do if someone that you don’t know asks you to come and see their new puppies? First check with your mom if it is okay to go along.
What do you do if someone touches your body without your permission? Tell an adult, scream for help, etc.
The best way to teach these skills is through role-playing games or even using puppets or toys to act out different scenarios. Let your kids come up with ideas for what they would do and then discuss these with them.
We must also be careful in our daily lives with our kids that we don’t mistakenly give them the impression that screaming and making a scene are never appropriate – sometimes they are essential, and kids need to know that they can try this out.
Taking martial arts or self-defence classes can also help children to behave in life-sustaining ways in emergencies.
And then, of course, we need to calm our own fears, so that our children are not picking up on our nervousness and belief that the world is essentially a bad place.
Of course we need to be alert and awake as parents to potential dangers, but we also need to be realistic about our fears, and practical in our approach. If you have your own trauma from your childhood that hasn’t been dealt with – get some help. It is not fear of strangers that will help our children to stay safe, but knowledge, confidence and self-respect.